Indio, California:  Hello, humans – this is Reese typing tonight. The lady is outside. The alpha male is telling her stories and she is laughing. Me? I am inside the big car where it is much cooler. The lady is always trying to get me to stay outside on the patio with them. Is she crazy? It was 88 degrees today, and – hello – I’m wearing a fur coat! Think about it!

Actually, I think she is crazy. Possibly one of those stalkers I have heard about. She won’t let me out of her sight and parades me around this place, showing me off to everyone and then – get this – when I poop, she picks it up and carries it around in a little bag! I am not joking. Just a tad bit obsessive, don’t you think? She’s a nut-job all right.

She is also obsessed with feeding the alpha male. Look what she prepared for his breakfast:

She called it a frittata. It had sliced potatoes and eggs with a pesto sauce and then she topped it with goat cheese and green onions.

Guess what she fed me?

Bingo!

I think the lady would rather give me steak, but my Mom won’t let her… though sometimes the lady does accidentally drop a bit of steak on the floor and I help her out by eating the tidbit.

HINT: would you please just drop the entire steak!

The lady is a little bonkers about my water bowl too. I have one outside on the patio and one inside the big car. The bowl of water outside gets warm very fast and the lady is always changing the water and adding ice. Ice? Do I look like a Siberian Husky? Please. Plus, she uses filtered water! Lady, I’m a dog and I would drink out of the toilet (if I were tall enough). Why don’t you just put some of that pinot grigio stuff in my water bowl? You seem to suck it down like water.

After a long walk this morning, I tried to sleep most of the afternoon. Every few hours the lady would come in and haul me outside to water a few more palm trees. Usually I plunked myself down on the grass and would refuse to move. She would drag me a few inches and after a while would just give up. From the sound of her voice, I do not think she was very happy.

But I was happy.

Finally as the sun was going down, she made me go outside again. This time, it was much cooler, the lawn had been watered and she had a really fun time playing GO GET IT. GO GET IT is one of her favorite games. I bring her a toy and she throws it and tells me to GO GET IT. I bring the toy back to her and she is so happy that I have brought it back to her – she throws it again. And again. And again. I have the lady well-trained. Enough already, lady – go have some pinot grigio. She is too caught-up in throwing that toy… like I said earlier… the lady is a bit loco. After a while, I just stop bringing it back to her and plop down on the grass.

Then, of course, she adds more ice to my water bowl.

Sometimes, I just appease the lady and sit on her lap while she pets and fusses over me.

Imagine my surprise when – at about 8 o’clock this evening – my Mom showed up! Apparently she was tired. Apparently three days of hanging with hipsters and listening to alternative music was enough. She wanted to hang out with me, the lady and the alpha male. My Mom really likes it when the lady cooks for her too.

The three of them enjoyed pasta outside on the patio. It was a lovely evening.

Guess what they fed me for dinner?

Bingo!

Thank you for letting me write today’s column. Until my next update, I remain, your canine correspondent.

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